D-Bag Of The Week: Norv Turner

In case you hadn't noticed, this feature took a bit of a break because we were trying to figure out where to put it during the week. Since football has started we decided to put it on Sunday night/Monday morning so we could include all of that action in our consideration. This week's winner is a no-brainer, congratulations to Norv Turner, who may be the biggest douche yet to win this award.

After Sunday's 30-16 loss to Kansas City, Norv has now, in four games as the Chargers' head coach, lost more regular season games than the team did all of last year. At 1-3 the Chargers have gone from the most talented and promising team in the NFL, to a bottom dweller who look as bad as anyone right now. They have the personnel to win a Super Bowl but there has been absolutely no fire, no intensity and no purpose in the actions of the team so far. The offense is maddeningly predictable, the defense can't tackle and has suffered from stupid penalties (a hallmark of Turner coached teams in the past).

For an example of how predictable the offense has been there's this: against the Chiefs, the Chargers had a 3rd and 2 from their own 29. Trailing 23-16 with under 11 minutes to go, they huddled up. With the best running back in football and a typically stellar offensive line, they lined up in the shotgun and threw to a double-covered Antonio Gates. They hadn't run the ball out of the shotgun all day. What the fu*k is going on here? LaDainian Tomlinson ran for over 100 yards in the first half going between the tackles. So what does Norv do in the second half? He abandons the run, instead tries to get the ball to LT on swing passes and when he does run the ball it's on sweeps and side-to-side runs. Tomlinson finished the day with 132 yards on 20 carries. Thats 6.6 yards per carry. He should get a minimum of 30 carries when he's having a day like that. Isn't Turner supposed to be good at calling plays and developing an offense? Philip Rivers has regressed if anything so far this year and LT can't find anywhere to run.

Norv, you took something beautiful, almost perfect even, and have desecrated it. From 14-2 to this? Who the hell do you think you are? Oh, wait, you're a coach who's gone 59-85-1 in his career. You shouldn't even be allowed to apply for a head coaching job, let alone get one of the most coveted openings in years. But that's not the point, the point is that an idiot could win with this team. If you searched the nearest mental institution, you'd find at least seven guys who could have done better than 1-3 with the talent the Chargers have. Sure they might be sh*tting themselves on the sidelines during the game, but would that be any worse than what Norv has done?

I'm done talking about why Norv sucks. The reasons why he suck are many and have been covered ad nauseam. Instead, I'm going to focus on the intensity of his sucking (with a little help by paraphrasing Stephen Colbert from America: The Book).

Norv Turner is a worthless piece of sh*t. Fu*k him. He is a taint. Not just in the sense of a "stain on the practice of coaching" but literally a taint - the anatomical area between the anus and the testicles.

I hate Norv Turner.

Dishonorable Mention: San Diego Padres, Lou Holtz, College Football's Top 13 teams, Charlie Weis, Jimmy Clausen.