Yardbarker: Tim Wakefield

The Media Circus

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 02:59:16 -0500

When ESPN announced in October that they had ponied up several million to obtain the services of Rick Reilly, we paid tribute by highlighting one of Reilly's most impressive accomplishments while at Sports Illustrated ? racking up seven similes/metaphors in one single column about Tim Wakefield's knuckleball.

Now that he's over at ESPN, we wanted to check in on his progress. Seven columns in and we're only counting nine total similes and metaphors?

the game made him meaner than a dyspeptic rattler

is like rooting for the salmon to eat the bear

That's more one-sided than a Venezuelan election.

But it's like watching a thresher go through wheat.

start going through cash like Jack Black through the Keebler factory

They burn money like the Pentagon

Those are the kinds of guys who will suck up your dough like a street-sweeper

Where do you start in a place that has more history than Barbara Walters' closet?

He is more fun than a Dubai expense account

That's only 1.28 per column. Not worth $2 million annually if you ask us. So if the rhetorical tropes have gone by the wayside, what exactly is ESPN getting for their money?

Poems.

Hey, Simmons got a cartoon, why shouldn't Reilly get to recite golf poetry on TV? ESPN sure treats its columnists well.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"Ronnie Wiseman is an American Idol. He's handsome and charming." - Billiards 9 Ball Championship color analyst

For the record, Ronnie Wiseman looks like this, and our un-named analyst is a man (not that there's anything wrong with that).
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"His cue is slashed to the side." - Billiards color guy

Nobody likes it when their cue is slashed.
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"Dwight Freeney (is) the most game-planned defensive player in the National Football League."- Mark Schlereth

It's always a joy to welcome the Big Savvy, Mark Schlereth, back into the Media Circus - especially when he continues to create new categories for superlatives.
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"Everyone has to make a living man."- John Madden, on Frank Caliendo's Madden impression

In an ironic twist, Madden offered the same answer when asked what he thought of announcers with different colored eye brows than their hair who make sounds and noises and rarely speak in coherent sentences.

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"If there's one reason Tampa Bay is where they are it's because James Shields has allowed it and also the bullpen." - Eduardo Perez, Baseball Tonight

And if there's one reason we've chosen to pick on Eduardo Perez it's because he sits next to John Kruk and because he can't count.

Official Sponsors for Billiards Tournament Officially Out of Control

In another sign that advertising has a firm grasp of the sports landscape, the "2008 GenerationPool.com 9-Ball Championship" - which sounds an awful lot like an inferior college bowl game - aired on ESPN this past weekend, and with that showcased an array of sponsors that would make an NFL or MLB radio broadcast jealous. In no particular order, the tournament featured:

Official table Sponsor: Olhausen billiard Mfg., Inc.

Official cue Sponsor: Sterling-Fury Cues

Official cloth Sponsor: Sterling-Milliken Super Pro

Official Furniture Sponsor: Mikhail Darafeev

Official ball Sponsor: Aramith

Closed Captioning Sponsor: PoolDawg.com

Rotational Signage Sponsor: American Poolplayers Association

Rotational Signage Sponsor: CueSight.com

Hall of Fame Reception Sponsor: Sterling Gaming

VIP Reception Sponsor: Sterling-Fury Cues

Lest we forget the title sponsor, GenerationPool.com, and DELTA-13, the official sponsor of the GenerationPool.com 9-Ball Championship rack. If only we could get a sponsor pinned down for Janet Lee's rack...

Her pool rack, perverts.

Media Rant - Media Plays Dance, Dance Revolution while Watching Dirty Dancing

If nothing else, the mainstream sports media is enjoyable because of its shear predictability. Case in point the Dolphins trade of Jason Taylor to the Redskins, and the subsequent barrage of obvious one liners pertaining to Taylor's foray this past off-season on Dancing With the Stars.

In no more than five minutes, the Media Circus team discovered the following anecdotes from our online media friends:

"The dumbstruck Redskins didn't just need Taylor, they suddenly had to have the world's most famous dancing Dolphin since Flipper." - Don Banks, SI

"The 'Skins needed Jason Taylor. But if 2008 is his last dance, Alex Marvez says they'll regret dealing for the disgruntled Dolphin."- Foxsports.com

"Simply stated, at least Taylor has hope for a Super Bowl appearance as his NFL career winds down. That beats the alternative ? staying with the Dolphins for his last NFL dance."- Alex Marvez

"Jason Taylor is on the verge of dancing on over to the Washington Redskins."- Jay Glazer

"It's not abnormal to see Washington Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin cheering Gilbert and gang along or to see your new fellow teammates at a Caps game or two. Join in; it's not the dance floor, but the fans will love you for it."- Drew Costley, ESPN Mag

"Stay away from politics?life's confusing enough and you don't need any talking head analyzing how many dance steps you made with your right foot instead of your left."- Costley, ESPN Mag

"Jason Taylor can dance, but he apparently couldn't talk Andre Carter out of No. 99. So rather than have a dance-off for the right to No. 99, the six-time Pro Bowl defensive end, acquired on Sunday from Miami, will be wearing No. 55 for the Redskins."- Corey Masisak, Washington Post

"Jason Taylor Dancing With New Team." - Access Hollywood

Whether he's dancing with a new team, participating in a dance-off, or playing in the last dance of his career, it's safe to say Taylor will be missed by the mainstream media. We suppose Emmitt Smith will need to get arrested in a drug bust so he can dance his way to prison.

If that doesn't happen, it's more than okay to supply a joke about Johnny Castle. Man that guy could really move.

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line

If there's one thing that Bob Carpenter loves, it's good neighbors. The world would be a better place if everyone threw out a 'howdy' and offered their neighbor a cool glass of lemonade when they saw them. So needless to say, Carpenter has always been fond of the famous State Farm jingle about being a good neighbor. Mix it with a snappy line and now we're talking...

"Like a good neighbor, Hank Blalock is there."- Stan Verett

Have cyber glass of lemonade and two thumbs up on the Bobber, Stan.

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig. They swear this stuff is real. E-mail them at info@joesportsfan.com

Angels exorcise Demons, complete sweep of Sox

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 01:55:32 -0500

Angels 5, Sox 3 WP: Oliver (3-1) LP: Wakefield (6-7) SV: Rodriguez (40) HRs: BOS-None; LAA-Guerrero (17), Hunter (18) Summary: L.A. completed a sound three game sweep of the defending champs this evening, rallying from a late deficit by scoring three runs in the bottom of the eighth, the big blow a two run double by Casey Kotchman off [...]

Weekend Preview: Red Sox @ Angels

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 13:44:45 -0500

Buchholz v Lackey... Beckett v Saunders... and Wakefield v Weaver... possible ALDS preview... ???

Red Sox set post All-Star Game rotation

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 12:19:33 -0500

Terry Francona has announced the new starting rotation for the Red Sox, set to begin after the All-Star break. The scheduling is in order to get Lester and Beckett a bit of extra rest.

Red Sox fail in the clutch... again

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 07:53:57 -0500

The Red Sox have lost 3 in a row now by the slimmest of margins... is the absence of David Ortiz finally catching up to them?

Rays Continue to Pour it on the Sox.

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:02:59 -0500

Matt Garza pitched well yet again for the Tampa Bay Rays, who now lead the Red Sox by 2.5 games in the AL East. And yet again, Tim Wakefield received the tough loss. It has become a constant trend to see Wake get no run support by his Boston teammates. Most of the Red Sox hitters seemed lost up at the dish tonight, none more evident than one at bat from J.D. Drew. With one out and runners on 1st and 2nd base, Drew looked at three straight strikes without taking the bat off his shoulder. Correct me if I'm wrong, but in a 2-1 game in the top of the 8th inning, you need to get at least one of those runs across. Situations like this is a reason why many don't believe, or even have enough confidence in J.D. Drew. [...]

Red Sox @ Rays: Okay, this time we'll be trying...

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 12:50:54 -0500

The Sox are now 1.5 games back on the Rays, but we've got the master of the Trop - Time Wakefield - going tonight... get a preview at The Bottom Line.

Red Sox v D-backs: Randy Johnson is telling fibs...

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 13:22:18 -0500

Randy Johnson told the media that his frustrations of late are due to single inning implosions... we beg to differ -- Learn more and get a preview of tonight's Sox v D-backs game at The Bottom Line blog.

The Media Circus

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 00:48:51 -0500

Here at JSF, we look upon the absurdity of professional sports like a proud father. We certainly wouldn't dream of taking credit for creating any of it, but just to know that the games that we've been following and and at the same time mocking for so long have continued to grow and advance in their absurdity just makes us think that one day professional sports could be just as ridiculous as politics or Hollywood.

One of the signs of this happening is the increasing frequency of Hollywood gossip sites breaking "sports" stories. Those outlets that usually reserve space for crap like Tom Cruise meltdowns or Britney Spears' exposed crotch have begun to take notice of the increasingly idiotic habits of professional athletes.

The latest of course is TMZ.com being the first to introduce to the world the freestyle rapping of one Shaquille O'Neal. For those who haven't seen it, Shaq took hold of the mic in a club and verbally assaulted his old Lakers teammate Kobe Bryant.

Assuming you've watched the video at this point, let's quickly take a look at the five things we learned from the Shaq freestyle.

1.) Freestyle rapping is absolutely horrible 99.9% of the time.

We already knew this, Shaq just confirmed it.

2.) The sports media is really hurting for stuff to talk about

Sportscenter led their evening broadcast on Monday with the "breaking news". Now there issomething inherently humorous about listening to Mike Greenberg try to discuss the topic as a serious issue, but the minimal significance should be painfully obvious when they bring on Stephen A. Smith - a master of turning up the volume on any story - to discuss and he calmly downplays it as a non-issue. When Stephen A. can't even muster any false outrage, then we probably have a story that didn't warrant top billing.

3.) Kobe Bryant needs to respond

Not because it was some shock that Shaq dislikes him, rather strictly for the public's entertainment. We suggest not responding via rap, but instead going with something a little more creative. Make it a folk rock song or maybe a zydeco jam or something unique. Rap battles are old news. Zydeco battles are what's hot.

4.) YouTube style video has changed everything

Seriously, if we were a professional athlete, we'd be afraid to take a dump in a restaurant for fear that it might wind up on YouTube the next day.

5.) Any rap song with the hook "tell me how my ass tastes" is destined to be a hit.

There will probably be a "tell me how my ass tastes" dance hitting the underground soon. We can't wait.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"You can't have tight pants and be a catcher."- Tim McCarver

McCarver knows this because a) he was a catcher and b) he had a three error game after viewing Farah Fawcett topless in the clubhouse Playboy.

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"It will be Randy Johnson against Tim Wakefield, two guys who have been equally nasty in their careers."- Karl Ravech

No one will discount Wakefield's effectiveness over the last 16 seasons, but he hasn't exactly been on par with Randy Johnson.

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''That's really just the media blowing something up. The only way for me to describe it is my arm is a little bit lower. But in reality, it's not that much lower. That's just the St. Louis media trying to make something out of nothing.'' ? Mark Mulder on his new delivery

God forbid the media in St. Louis look for any sliver of hope that the guy they traded Dan Haren for might possibly have found a way not to suck when taking the mound. For once we side with the media.

Jay Mariotti Discusses Why Jay Mariotti Sucks

At this point, Jay Mariotti has become largely irrelevant. If we wanted to, we could document Mariotti's daily performances on Around the Horn and fill the above crap section with nothing but his quotes. He's perfected the "act" of stereotypical loudmouth journalist and our sports-fan "hatred" of Mariotti is just what he wants. At least he garners a reaction ? at least, that's what "they" think.

Two weeks ago, Mariotti's Sun-Times colleague Rick Telander was irked when his column, which included shots at Mariotti, failed to reach publication per the decision of his editors. A few days later, Telander's column was again vetoed. All this while Mariotti has no problems lashing out at his fellow journalists in Chicago ? and maintains a Teflon shield against Sun-Times criticism.

Appearing on a Chicago radio show, Mariotti discussed his local counterparts:

"When I'm being critical of our writers, it's to try to unify."

Yes, because all the Sun-Times writers work together as a team and you're the team leader, right Jay?

"Are the local media now brainwashed that every time Ozzie goes off it's 'Ozzie being Ozzie,' or are we dealing with one of the great crackpots in the history of professional sports? I happen to choose the latter."

We'll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one in saying that Guillen does get the "Ozzie being Ozzie" treatment, but you've got to love Mariotti's extremism ? greatest crackpot in the history of professional sports? Might be a tad over the line.

"If you're not interested in the dark side of sports, then get out of the business."

If we wore the same lenses as Mariotti, a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup wouldn't be a delicious, cold dessert, it would be one of the most devastating caloric intakes in dairy product history.

"We're all supposed to cover the entire spectrum. Don't sit here and stereotype me. That's just a smear campaign from a guy (Telander) who ? if he calls me angry, I call him bitter and old. This is a fellow who needs to examine the newspaper business, where it is right now, where the Sun-Times is in this market and maybe get his act into gear and help us win this battle."

See? He's just fighting the good fight. That's why Mariotti comes off the way he does. But seriously, if we're to believe in Jay's valiant efforts, then we suppose selling out and acting like a heathen on Around the Horn is somehow helping to breathe life into the newspaper business.

And Jay, for a guy who calls Rick Telander old and bitter, you sure seem out of touch with the "newspaper battle". New media is never going away, but that doesn't mean it need be exclusive. It's the people in the newspaper industry who get that who ultimately succeed.

Media Rant ? Pool Guys of America Still Awaiting Apology

There's something about the golf analyst that just breeds controversy. If it's not Kelly Tilghman unleashing her racist remarks on Tiger Woods, it's Johnny Miller displaying his anti-Italian hatred - the dude probably hates pizza for all we know.

During the U.S. Open 10 days ago, Miller described Rocco Mediate as looking like "the guy who cleans Tiger's swimming pool" and added that "Guys with the name Rocco don't usually find their names on the trophy."

Naturally, an Italian-American group took offense and demanded an apology from Miller and a suspension from NBC. While the network failed to enact a suspension, Miller did apologize to those Italians whom he offended.

In his attempt at reconciliation, however, he failed to apologize to all men and women named Rocco, and all employees of pool-cleaning companies. We're pretty sure Rocco Baldelli is upset, as well he should be. And the good people who work hard every day to earn a living cleaning and maintaining pools deserve better. Miller should be ashamed of himself - and NBC ought to suspend him until he extends another apology.

Strahan Joins Fox NFL Sunday, Fake Hilarity Ensues

Late Monday it was announced that the football Giants' biggest media whore since Tiki Barber, Michael Strahan, joined up with his buddies Curt, Terry, Howie and Jimmy as the newest analyst on FOX NFL Sunday. With Tiki on NBC and Strahan on Fox, we're hoping it means Jeremy Shockey will get a role with CBS or ESPN some time down the road (not really).

With the addition of a fifth on-air presence, we have a few minor worries. From a logistical standpoint, we hope the Fox crew will build a bigger desk on-set, otherwise the show could resemble a CBS pregame show with five large bodies crammed into a four-seater - no one wants to see the added heat force Terry Bradshaw to sweat like Bill Cowher (seriously, we said it a long time ago, but we may be just one "offseason" away from a network going to the bleachers style seating on the set). And from a fan enjoyment standpoint, we hope each on-air talent will tone down their decibel level given that Strahan will add another loud, rambunctious voice. If not, we shudder to think of what we might hear - as in, "nothing we hear will be audible because of all the yelling and laughing."

Safe to say, the studio show predicated on obnoxious and unnecessary laughter just got a whole lot "funnier".

Oh, and even if Terry Bradshaw doesn't tone down his act, at least he's going the extra mile to welcome Strahan to the television neighborhood.

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line

It's almost to the point where Bob is ready to say screw the Washington Nationals, he's moving to Europe and calling soccer games for a living. If what he's seen out of the Euro 2008 announcers on ESPN is customary of the way people in Europe want to hear their games called, then he'd be a star within months. They simply love snappy lines. Here are two more that Bob observed over the weekend:

"Those wearing orange were peeled like oranges" ? Derek Rae on Netherlands versus Russia.

"It was Turkey yesterday, is Goose going to be cooked today?" ? Tommy Smyth, on Russia coach Guus Hiddink

Did you see that last line? That's two snappers in one sentence! That's an exchange rate that he can get on board with.

Let's just say that when the games resume today, the Bobber will be sitting in front of his TV, face painted with the Turkish flag just waiting for the next round of snap to light up a smile on his face.

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear this stuff is real. E-mail them at info@joesportsfan.com.

Quick Tim Wakefield Chart

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 11:39:58 -0500

A look at how Tim Wakefield's knuckleball breaks according to pitch f/x data

Red Sox road woes continue

Thu, 29 May 2008 11:00:44 -0500

The Sox dropped another road game last night, behind a magnificent pitching performance by Tim Wakefield, to lower their road record to 11-19 on the season. It's the worst record we've had through 30 games since 1987. If it wasn't for the 21-5 home record, we would be A LOT further behind Tampa Bay than 1.5 games.

Road woes continue for Red Sox... but Dustin ain't worried

Thu, 29 May 2008 07:30:49 -0500

The Red Sox fell to 11-9 on the road when they were blanked by Erik Bedard... but Dustin Pedroia isn't worried... see why at The Bottom Line.

Wakefield blanks Tigers, Red Sox win 5th straight

Wed, 07 May 2008 06:55:01 -0500

Tim Wakefield shut down the Tigers last night, while Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz hit back to back home runs - Manny's was his 497th. Get the recap at The Bottom Line.

Red Sox v Tigers Preview

Tue, 06 May 2008 12:31:22 -0500

Tim Wakefield squares off with Nate Robertson tonight in Detroit - get the preview at The Bottom Line.

The Red Sox offense - M.I.A.

Fri, 02 May 2008 07:37:05 -0500

AJ Burnett and the Blue Jays beat the Red Sox 3-0 last night. The Sox have scored a grand total of 4 runs on their last 5 games and have been shout out twice...