This whole election is really like a horrible reality show. Except the end result won't be a 2-month marriage briefly mentioned in the tabloids and forgotten soon after, but potentially another 4 years of embarrassing leadership for the entire country. This ish is just unreal.

I hate Brady Quinn. I hate Sarah Palin. I hate McCain. I hate this video.

McCain and Palin rally in Strongsville

At least not according to a post on her MySpace blog made yesterday, which has since been deleted.

Well I say good riddance! Nobody gives a damn about that guy, anyway. (Except maybe Eagles fans. And I don't know anybody who cares what they think.) Besides, I've found a much better match for this lovely housewife-in-training.

Kendra, I know that on your MySpace profile you list "getting married by the age of 24" as one of your main goals in life. (It's always so moving to see other girls my age with high aspirations.) You might be worried that time is running out and you may not reach that goal, but don't panic! The perfect man is still out there.

And that man is Marshawn Lynch.

Just look at all these signs that you're, like, totally meant to be together.

1.) reaaaaaaaaally gooooooooood blogn sklz? Check. (lololol.)Kendra:

hiiiiii just wanna let yall know that i am not engaged! if i was id be very happy though n i wouldnt hide it..hahahahaha!!!!! rumors are sooooooooo fuckin funny. yaa trickk yaaaaaa lololol!! Love is a beautiful thing n i think the world needs more of it. lol..

Marshawn:

whats good yardbarkers what it do its ya local neighborhood running back outta OAKLAND....in buffalo playin for da bills...if u looked at da headline reading DAMN its cause ive been out 4 da past two weeks and its been hurting me not to b out der wit ma teammates even if we losing....i just cant wait til i can get back out der wit ma bra bras (teammates).....but dis just ma lil intro until i can get back to yall wit a lil mo....stay solid til next time 2.) More grills than George Foreman? Check.


Kendra:



Marshawn:
3.) A flair for ghostriding? Check.

Kendra:




Marshawn (this sure was a sign of the erratic driving behavior to come...):





There you have it. Kendra and Marshawn (Kenshawn?), together forever.

At least not according to a post on her MySpace blog made yesterday, which has since been deleted.

Well I say good riddance! Nobody gives a damn about that guy, anyway. (Except maybe Eagles fans. And I don't know anybody who cares what they think.) Besides, I've found a much better match for this lovely housewife-in-training.

Kendra, I know that on your MySpace profile you list "getting married by the age of 24" as one of your main goals in life. (It's always so moving to see other girls my age with high aspirations.) You might be worried that time is running out and you may not reach that goal, but don't panic! The perfect man is still out there.

And that man is Marshawn Lynch.

Just look at all these signs that you're, like, totally meant to be together.

1.) reaaaaaaaaally gooooooooood blogn sklz? Check. (lololol.)Kendra:

hiiiiii just wanna let yall know that i am not engaged! if i was id be very happy though n i wouldnt hide it..hahahahaha!!!!! rumors are sooooooooo fuckin funny. yaa trickk yaaaaaa lololol!! Love is a beautiful thing n i think the world needs more of it. lol..

Marshawn:

whats good yardbarkers what it do its ya local neighborhood running back outta OAKLAND....in buffalo playin for da bills...if u looked at da headline reading DAMN its cause ive been out 4 da past two weeks and its been hurting me not to b out der wit ma teammates even if we losing....i just cant wait til i can get back out der wit ma bra bras (teammates).....but dis just ma lil intro until i can get back to yall wit a lil mo....stay solid til next time 2.) More grills than George Foreman? Check.


Kendra:



Marshawn:
3.) A flair for ghostriding? Check.

Kendra:




Marshawn (this sure was a sign of the erratic driving behavior to come...):





There you have it. Kendra and Marshawn (Kenshawn?), together forever.

Good lord, my favorite (well, my only) guest writer, B M Mcmanus of Titles are so 2006, is hilarious. Check out his brilliance.

In honor of the Bay Area's fallen hero, the latest literary talent to emerge from the bastion of learning that is the University of California, Berkeley , here is ee cummings' poem "Buffalo Bill's / defunct"...in the style of Marshawn Lynch:

Wow, B...word. Waaaay better than the original:


P.S. Need help decoding that Yay Area slang? Click here.

Dear Beane-face,

No more Swish? Like, seriously? Billy, you stupid piece of over-hyped crap, say it ain't so. I mean, I've read Moneyball, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but I thought we liked the guys who could generate runs. I thought we liked walks (of which Nicky-poo had 100 last season - 6th in the AL). I thought we liked high on-base percentages (like Swishy's career-high .381 last year). Err, I thought we wanted to WIN.

So why the hell are we dealing away one of our best young players when he's still on his way up? Not to mention the fact that he was one of the few reasons that at least a handful of fans showed up to games in '07 (in a pathetic attempt to fill up the half of the stadium that was actually open).

I mean, I thought it was bad before when you gave away Haren, another still-rising young star (15-9 last year, with a 3.07 ERA). But this is just ridiculous. What kind of retarded system are you using to make these decisions?



At this rate, you might as well just pack up and move to an old, boring, dirty suburb where no one will come watch you play. Oh, wait. You're already doing that.




Billy, in summary, I would just like to say GO TO HELL. I don't care if you're "replenishing the farm system, blahblahblah...", you're ruining MY team by getting rid of some of the most promising players, and I hate you for it.

Oh, and did I mention that they were also 2 of the cutest guys on the team? Teehee.

Screw you,

The Sports Biotch

Gotta love the wide receivers. Definitely the most entertaining group of all the football players out there. As a thank you for these guys taking on thousands of dollars in fines each year to provide me with hours of entertaining celebration dance clips on YouTube, I've decided to bestow upon them a list of my favorites for this year. Because they all totally read my blog.

Note: This is 100% scientific and stat-based. It is not at all skewed by my personal biases (or undying love for Chad Johnson) - I swear.

1.) Randy Moss2.) Braylon Edwards3.) Chad Johnson
4.) Terrell Owens 5.) Plaxico Burress 6.) TJ Houshmandzadeh 7.) Steve Smith 8.) Calvin Johnson 9.) Wes Welker 10.) Larry Fitzgerald
Honorable Mentions:

Dwayne Bowe Torry Holt Hines Ward

So a while back I did a post on hottest male athletes. Here's something to even the score and give some love to the beautiful ladies of sports. You probably disagree. I don't care.

1.) Lokelani McMichael - Triathlon
2.) Daniela Hantuchova - Tennis
3.) Anna Rawson a€" Golf
4.) Ashley Force - Motorsports
5.) Anna Kournikova - Tennis (GO RUSSIANS!)
6.) Niki Gudex a€" Bike Riding
7.) Heather Mitts - Soccer
8.) Natlie Gulbis - Golf
9.) Natalie Coughlin a€" Swimming (GO BEARS!)
10.) Karina Petroni a€" Surfing


Honorable mentions:
Maria Sharapova a€" Tennis (GO RUSSIANS!)
Jenny Finch - Softball
Paula Creamer - Golf
Allison Stokke a€" Pole Vaulting (GO BEARS!)

Yeah, you heard me. I'll even write those evil words that will send me straight to football fan hell: I DON'T LIKE BRETT FAVRE.

No, I'm not retarded. (Thanks for asking.) I realize the man's an amazing football player, will forever be an NFL legend, and blahblahblah. But you know, for a bunch of "real men", you Favre fans sure do get awfully girly and sappy every time he retires, and that's annoying as hell.

"Oh, they took down his nameplate...waaaaaah!" Boo-f**kin-hoo. Can we please stop using up valuable ESPN airtime for your crying? (I mean, just play the D-Wade T-Mobile commercials, instead - he's funny AND nice to look at.)

But the Biotch hasn't come out of retirement (hypocritical, but whatever) just to talk about you Favre fans being a bunch of sissies. I'm back to celebrate his kinda, sorta official gone-ness by explaining to you just why my man Aaron Rodgers isn't some guy who has to try to fill his shoes. He's better.

8 (in honor of Aaron's college number) reasons why Brett can't compare to his replacement:

1. AR-uhn RAW-gers. Pronunciation is easily deduced from the written version of his name.

2. Cal = better than Southern Miss. In every way. It's just a fact. (Example below.)


VS.



3. 24th overall pick (vs. 33rd overall)

4. Favre: missing 30 ft. of intestine due to being a crappy driver; Rodgers: all intestines intact

5. In 2007, Rodgers completed 20 of 28 pass attempts (71.4%). That year, Favre only completed 66.5% of his attempts. In case you go to Southern Miss. and aren't taking Math for People from the South 118 until next year, that means that Rodgers is better.

6. Despite being 14 years younger, Rodgers is much more capable of growing facial hair (and not making fruity hand gestures):



7. Favre can beat a stupid pill addiction. Rodgers can beat stupid USC.

8.

Looks like a lot has changed in the world of sports since I last blogged. WNBA making headlines? Hummina?

Ladies, I have to say that the Biotch is very proud of you. You're finally starting to realize what it will take to get sports fans to actually watch women's basketball...or at least get you almost FIVE minutes (!!!) of air time on SportsCenter. Yeehaw.




But don't let this be the end of it! We need to keep this momentum going in order to keep the public eye focused on women's basketball. My expert advice? Use the keys to success that the male athletes and ladies in other sports have been using for years to keep fans tuned in. A few ideas:


CELEBRITY RELATIONSHIPS

I'm thinking Diana Taurasi...Nick Lachey...in Cabo...right before playoffs (the WNBA has those, right?) Maybe a teammate crying about it during a press conference soon afterward.

We could even give them a cute celebrity couple nickname like Dianick. Or Nickana. They should probably get into the whole Scientology thing and adopt a few African kids, too. Extra points for shaving your head or going to rehab.


NOT-SO-SECRET CELEBRITY AFFAIRS

Two requirements: The celebrity should 1) be old enough to be your parent and 2) have jacked up teeth.


Hmm...maybe Candace Parker and Mike Tyson?


Bonus: He could teach her how to throw a decent right hook instead of just half-tackling and clawing at someone like...well, a girl.

GET NAKED

Was it the US women's soccer team's amazing World Cup victory that got America paying attention to the sport for a whole week or two? Eff no. It was this:


Take your jersey off after every 3-pointer, and I can guarantee you'll get a little extra time on the highlight reel.


GET REALLY NAKED

Showing some skin during the game will help, but this is the WNBA we're talking about. It's gonna take a lot more than a sports bra to really get some attention.

So I recommend Playboy. FHM. Maxim. Anyone that will let you get naked in front of a camera (unless it's R. Kelly.) This, however, should be limited to those who look more Amanda Beard...



than Serena Williams in their birthday suits.


GO TO VEGAS

Get drunk. Lose Money. Get beat up. Have a hooker orgy.


RETIRE AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE

No, wait. Scratch that. That requires having fans who would care in the first place.

....Stupid fans. With obnoxious accents. That wear cheese on their heads. Good lord, I really hate Wisconsin.







So to the ladies of the Shock and the Sparks - congratulations on taking the first steps toward sacrificing every ounce of your dignity to gain popularity in the sports world. We can now officially call you pro athletes, and the Sports Biotch salutes you.

(Except you, Lisa Leslie. I'm disappointed. Don't know you know that the only appropriate response to a man pushing you down on the ground is to break his jaw?)

Whoopdeefrickindo. He came back. Just like you all knew he would. ESPN - I know I've asked this before, but can we please move on to some actual sports news? Thanks.

I have to admit that until tonight I didn't even realize how close we are to the opening ceremonies for the 2008 Olympics, but now I'm really getting excited. Since the whole idea of the Games is for everyone in the world to put their differences aside and play nice for a little while, I figured I'd also put aside the Biotching for a minute and show just a teensy-weensy bit of respect. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Here's what I'm excited about in Beijing.

THESE CHICKS.

Number of babies I've had: 0. Number of Olympic Games I've ever had even the slightest chance of qualifying for: um...0.

Guys, maybe you won't agree with me here, but ladies, I'm sure every single one of you is just as impressed as I am. These women were somehow able to grow small human beings in their uteri, shove them outta there, and then just continue merrily on down their little paths to the Olympics. Props. Major props. Some of you may argue that motherhood could actually be an unfair advantage in sports - chasing your kids around may, in fact, actually be a great daily cardio workout. But Judge Biotch has examined the evidence, and she officially dismisses that claim.

Exhibit A:



SWIMMING.

I don't like Michael Phelps. Sorry. I know I said I'd play nice, but then I found this picture...and now I can't help myself. The guy definitely looks like he qualifies for the other Olympics, if you catch my drift.


But I DO like pretty much anyone who went to Cal. Nathan Adrian will be representing in the 4x100 free relay, which has a great shot at gold. Duje Draganja is swimming for Croatia, so he's not a only a fellow Bear, but also a fellow Slav. He kicked major ass at the FINA World Championships earlier this year, setting a new world record in the 50 free. His time was 20.81 seconds. I believe my fastest ever was...28. Ouch.

Then, of course, there's my girl Natalie Coughlin. What a beast. Not only is she fast as hell, but she's freakin' beautiful.


(Natalie was the first woman to swim the 100-meter backstroke in under one minute. Back in the day I swam it in...somewhere under two. Conclusion: I'm twice as awesome.)


THE "REDEEM TEAM"...getting demolished. Ideally by the Ruskiis.


Call me un-American (wait, I'm not American...hmm...), but come on - you know it's funny that the US can't win at its own damn game. It's already pretty clear that the Japanese and Cubans are way better at baseball, so now the "Redeem Team" has to reclaim basketball, or else you Yanks will be left with...um...rodeo?




MEN'S WATER POLO. MMM.

Sure they wear silly-looking caps...but, uh, I think I can get past that. And hooray for underwater cameras. 'Cause then, ya know, you can see the fouls and stuff. Yeah. That's why we have those. Right.



PEOPLE RUNNING REALLY, REALLY FAST.

For some people, all those banned substance scandals have ruined the sport, but you know what? Doesn't bother me one bit. Even if steroids pumped through my veins in place of blood, there's no way I could ever run that fast, especially while occassionally jumping over stuff. So I fully intend to watch all those doped up mofo's run their little hearts out.


THE OPENING/CLOSING CEREMONIES.

Because all this Biotchiness is really a defense mechanism, and I'm actually a total sucker for those touchy-feely "we're-all-just-humans-so-let's-stop-dropping-bombs-on-each-other's-countries-an d-just-put-on-some-spandex-and-race-each-other" moments. *tear*

Goodbye, Ocho Cinco....HELL-O, Sashen'ka Ovechkin!

My new favorite athlete is even more hilarious-er than Chad, pretty cute despite the missing teeth, and he's looking for a Russian wife. OOO, ooo! Pick me!



I don't know, Alex - 5 to 10 kids? I guess if it means having that lovely jacuzzi, then it's all worth it...

Goodbye, Ocho Cinco....HELL-O, Sashen'ka Ovechkin!

My new favorite athlete is even more hilarious-er than Chad, pretty cute despite the missing teeth, and he's looking for a Russian wife. OOO, ooo! Pick me!



I don't know, Alex - 5 to 10 kids? I guess if it means having that lovely jacuzzi, then it's all worth it...

So apparently the good ole commish recommended a code of fan conduct back in April at league meetings, and the policy was just approved by the NFL today.

Yet again proving that NFL really does stand for "No Fun League", Goodell and his minions will now be banishing fans from their teams' stadiums for life if they are caught exhibiting, among others, any of the following behaviors:

Behavior that is unruly, disruptive, or illegal

Drunkenness and signs of alcohol impairment that result in irresponsible behavior

Foul or abusive language or obscene gestures

Verbal or physical harassment of fans from the opposing team

Goodell's justification for this policy is that he is "committed to improving the fan experience in every way [he] can," but I'm pretty sure he's a little confused. Rog, have you ever BEEN to a football game? These are the things that make them FUN. You eff-tard.

I have to admit that until tonight I didn't even realize how close we are to the opening ceremonies for the 2008 Olympics, but now I'm really getting excited. Since the whole idea of the Games is for everyone in the world to put their differences aside and play nice for a little while, I figured I'd also put aside the Biotching for a minute and show just a teensy-weensy bit of respect. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Here's what I'm excited about in Beijing.

THESE CHICKS.

Number of babies I've had: 0. Number of Olympic Games I've ever had even the slightest chance of qualifying for: um...0.

Click below to read more...

Looks like a lot has changed in the world of sports since I last blogged. WNBA making headlines? Hummina?

Ladies, I have to say that the Biotch is very proud of you. You're finally starting to realize what it will take to get sports fans to actually watch women's basketball...or at least get you almost FIVE minutes (!!!) of air time on SportsCenter. Yeehaw.



But don't let this be the end of it! We need to keep this momentum going in order to keep the public eye focused on women's basketball. My expert advice? Use the keys to success that the male athletes and ladies in other sports have been using for years to keep fans tuned in. A few ideas:

CELEBRITY RELATIONSHIPS

I'm thinking Diana Taurasi...Nick Lachey...in Cabo...right before playoffs (the WNBA has those, right?) Maybe a teammate crying about it during a press conference soon afterward....

Click link for more