by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

11. A hearty thanks for making you feel much better about taking them in Week 1 of your suicide pool

10. Funeral cards listing the time and date of the injury

9. An open contract for the assassination of Chiefs safter Bernard Pollard

8. Pictures of the supermodels that Brady has had sex with, with small notes saying that now that Dreamboat is out, they'll be sure to re-enter the market

7. Your best lie over how this now makes the Patriots plucky and lovable underdogs again

6. Fighting off the urge to give in to your inner Nelson Muntz, over and over and over again

5. A reminder that baseball season is still going on, and that the Yankees are in fourth place in the AL East and dead in the water

4. DVDs and memorabilia from the past championships, so they can remember the good times

3. The outright lie that Matt Cassel replacing Brady is just like when Brady replaced Drew Bledsoe

2. Any disparaging comment you can make about how Brett Favre was just lucky in his debut with the Jets

1. The admonishment that they should just look on the bright side, since it's not like the Patriots lost the game or anything


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STUB HUB: The Safe Way to Buy & Sell Tickets Online

Thank you, Jesus, for creating the skateboarder. Without him we would not know the depth of stupidity to which the human race can sink. Amen.

by DCScrap, on 205th magazine

As the person who posted this video states: "Where, exactly, did this kid think he was going to go?" Dude... he is a skateboarder... logic is not a part of the thought process... jeesh.




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If the World Series was decided by the baseball team with the hottest set of fans, the Dodgers would win hands down.

SEAT, some Euro car company or something (I don't know, I didn't research it... sue me), put together this nice little advertisement incorporating hot women, in bikinis, preparing for a beach volleyball game, in slow motion, okay, I am out of breath... just watch.

by Scott Sargent, Waiting For Next Year

First, you have Browns wide receiver Braylon Edwards gallivanting around practice without shoes on - ultimately resulting in stitches and three missed preseason games.

Now, we have the picture to the right - apparently one of the "artistic" variety. Truthfully, I don't really get it but then again, I'm about as far from Annie Liebovitz as you may find. I'm sure some people dig this sort of thing.

Either way, can we get this guy to keep his clothes on? Please?

(photo courtesy of BE's official site)


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by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Greetings, Jags Fan! Or should I say, greetings, fantasy football honks and people who are desperate for a non-Colts non-Patriots AFC champion. Actual Jacksonville fans number in the dozens, at least on the Internet, because people in Florida's Panhandle just got an Internet last week, and that was just for the supremacist Web sites. (Now, now, Jags Fan. Put down the shooting rifle and call off your dog Skeeter. We're just having some fun here.)

This year's Jags team is a sexy pick from many prognosticators, in that they are young and physical. They also are just downright adorable, really, in that since no one actually knows anyone from Jacksonville, it's a team without rivalries, or even any significant amount of hate.

Seriously, who hates on the Jags? The Colts don't hate them, because they've beaten them down routinely. The other teams in the division hate the Colts. They were swapped out of a division when the league went to four per conference, so their developing nastiness with the Steelers and Ravens got short-circuited. Carolina, the other expansion team that came in with them at the same team. plays in the other conference. Tampa and Miami, the other teams in the state, rarely if ever play them. Frankly, other than Tom Coughlin and Byron Leftwich, there might not be a third person in America with Jag Hate.

Getting back to the field... there's no really good reason why their offense should be better, for only one reason: there's no way that David Garrard can go an entire year with fewer picks in a season than some other quarterbacks have in a game. No matter how accurate he is, and how well the Jaguars manage the game with slow pace and an outstanding running game, he's going to throw close to 10 picks this year, just from tips and bad bounces. At least.

The Jags tried to upgrade last year's questionable wideout corps by importing... questionable new wideouts ( Jerry Porter and Troy Williamson, come on down!). Hey, if you can't get quality, go for quantity. Keep an eye out for Marcedes Lewis, the tight end that started to assert himself in last year's playoffs, and the eternal danger that is Maurice Jones-Drew in space. But, well, everybody knows what makes the Jags go, and that's the running game.

Will this be the year that Fred Taylor finally acts his age? Probably not, because the Jags are spectacular about managing Taylor's carries, but he could always succumb to the groin issues that plagued him in the 20s. But the real threat here, at least from a fantasy honk perspective, is fullback Greg Jones, their best short-yardage threat and a Zach Crockett-esque figure of menace to the short touchdown runs. He was hurt last year, and if you have Taylor or J-D, you want to see him get hurt again. Fast.

On defense, they might miss Marcus Stroud, the defensive tackle and name (well, at much of a name as you can get in Jacksonville) that moved on to Buffalo in the off-season. So long as they can suite up Paul Spicer, they should be fine... and the linebackers are good, though downright anonymous. In the secondary, beware the presence of William James, who Eagle Fan knows far too well. You won't like him.

Any other worries? A few. If Garrard goes down -- and he hasn't been the sturdiest quarterback in the league -- the franchise is in the hands of Cleo Lemon. That ain't good.

If they don't break through on the road in Indy in week 3, doubt will have to creep in that maybe they are never going to break down the door.

Houston is scary good, and Tennessee made the playoffs last year; there isn't an easy game to be had in this division, and the out of division games include some nastiness with Pittsburgh, Green Bay and Minnesota. They could easily be a better team with a worse record... but I do think that Manning will be a little dicey at the start of the year, and if the Colts two defensive stars (Sanders and Feeney) aren't 100%, they'll get push around. Hard.

Prediction: 11-5, first in the AFC South... and a playoff loser when they get into a shootout. I like them and their talent, but you still just get the sense that if someone plays their A game against them, they don't have the talent to match.


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That's right boys and girls! It's back and better than ever!

This first edition of the 2008 Power Rankings has lots of hope and sass and a whole lot of faith.

Enjoy!

by Brian P. Foley, The College Baseball Blog

Am I a bad fan if I decide to stay home for my college football team's home opener?

The remnants of Hurricane Hanna is expected to be in the Boston area on Saturday afternoon messing around with the Boston College home opener against Georgia Tech. This means that I will be chilling in a freaking monsoon on Saturday afternoon with tons of rain gear on over staying at home watching the game on the television.

Would you rather sit in the comfort of your living room or be at the game in person? Which would you rather do?

I will be at the game on Saturday and will report on how freaking wet I will be after the monsoon but lets hope that the stadium doesn't get blown down like the Arizona State practice bubble.


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by DCScrap, on 205th magazine

Lord love the skateboarder. Without him we could not feel as superior as we do or have the hours of entertainment that we enjoy.

by DCScrap, on 205th magazine

You know what the worst part of a video of a guy base jumping only not having his parachute open properly is? That he escaped with just a broken leg.




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Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field

Writing the Chiefs preview is like being the guy at the office who always puts his name down to bring napkins to a potluck dinner.

Someone's gotta do it, right? It wouldn't do for you to be walking around for the rest of the afternoon with bits of Monte from Accounting's 5-Alarm Chili and the lasagna brought by sneaky-hot Laura from Payroll on your lips. People would be laughing at you as you passed by, kind of like everyone is laughing at Kansas City, which is starting Brodie freaking Croyle at quarterback while Daunte Culpepper, four years removed from a 4,700-yard passing season, sits by his computer waiting for some general manager to e-mail him.

The Chiefs, by every conceivable measure, are on a road to nowhere. You know it's bad when ESPN.com's season preview misspells Branden Albert's (it was spelled Brandon) and Glenn Dorsey's (Glen) names. At least Tony Gonzalez is still there.

Good god, Tony Gonzalez is still there.

Pass offence
Contrary to what people are saying, Brodie Croyle is a franchise quarterback. Unfortunately for the Chiefs, that franchise is a Denny's.

Dwayne Bowe could at least be a fantasy sleeper, because really, who else on this offence can catch the ball? Albert is going to be a good left tackle, some day.

Tony Gonzalez is closing on becoming the most prolific tight end in NFL history. And if you're coming to Epic Carnival to read that, man, you must not disappoint easily. We're more about the funny, hopefully.

Run offence
Larry Johnson is detoriorating at about the same rate as the blocking group in front of him. An aging feature back and a sketchy O-line; one of them you might be able to live with, but not both.

Pass defence
The Chiefs had their first Pro Bowl defender in nine seasons last year, sackmeister Jared Allen, and they traded him to the Minnesota Vikings (my Minnesota Vikings; wanna fight about it?). They were a mediocre 21st in average yards-per-pass allowed (don't be fooled by the fact they only allowed 189 yards per game; opponents don't have to throw much to build a big lead against K.C.).

The coverage could get better if the Chiefs do end working out a trade with the Philadelphia Eagles for Lito Sheppard. As it stands, their three cornerbacks include rookies Brandon Flowers and Brandon Carr. Veteran Patrick Surtain is over 30, so he's not long for Arrowhead Stadium.

Run defence
At least Glenn Dorsey is going to get a chance to shine in the interior of the D-line, although good luck competing for Defensive Rookie of the Year in the AFC on a team that's a mortal lock for a double-digit loss total and will be in the bottom third of the league defensively.

Special teams
Kansas City's long snapper, J.P. Darche, is French-Canadian, and his brother plays in the NFL. He's one of only a handful of Canadians in the NFL who actually played his college football in Canada, at McGill in Montreal, where he captained the football team at the same time his brother captained the hockey team.

Nick Novak is way too cool-sounding a name for a kicker, but he put Jay Feely out of work, so he's got that goin' for him, which is nice.

Coaching
Herm, Herm, Herm ... (Herm Edwards opens mouth to speak; muscled henchman wags finger at him suggesting it would be a bad idea) Herm, Herm, Herm ... bet you wish you hadn't leveraged a way into a better coaching job a few years ago and got stuck with this team, although you might be able to ride it out long enough to be around for the resurgence.

It could be a long year in Kansas City. Jason Whitlock is already licking his lips in anticipation of the Chiefs bottoming out spectacularly and landing Ball State quarterback Nate Davis with a high draft choice. He might get his wish.


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by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Greetings, Cardinal Fan! Of course, that's a theoretical greeting, in that I know you don't really exist. Given the decades of utter incompetence you've suffered at the hands of the Bidwells, and the fact that the only creatures that are actually originally from Phoenix hail from prehistoric times, we all know the score. You all come to the games because you are rooting for your old town teams, or because you just really do love seeing the occasional pro team when they come visit. Now, let's delve into those familiar lovable clowns in the home laundry, before you all have to go head off for the 3pm dinner special down at the best restaurant in town (i.e., the ones where you can get both kinds of mashed potatoes, lumpy or runny).

Offensively, the Cardinals are intriguing and overrated, because they provide Fantasy Goodness at the Wide Receiver level, enough touchdown opportunities in short yardage to make people think that Edge James is still a football player, and the continuing Quarterback Carousel of old with flashes and a care whether he wins or loses ( Kurt Warner) and young and trustafarian ( Matt Leinart). In a deep enough draft, you'll be calling a Phoenix resident six times, almost as if they were a real live team.

Because of this, many people are convinced that the Cardinals are always On The Verge Of A Breakthrough, because dammit, the NFL is all about some terrible team rising through the rubble and making the playoffs every year. The problem is that this betrays a fundamental lack of perspective about what they are (and yes, you can cue that evergreen Dennis Green rant here)... a team that can put up big numbers against bad teams, or rack up some points when the game is in Garbage Time... but one that can't score when it actually matters, and doesn't take enough care of the ball to get over the hump.

Cardinal Fan needs to enjoy the Fitzy and Boldin show while they can, since the money and reality of today's game is that they won't have both of them for much longer. Boldin, the more possessiony of the two, spent the summer agitating for a deal. There is no clear #3 to step up and take his place, so expect the Cardinal passing numbers to take a hit... next year, just in time for the running game to be a hair better. That's life in a treadmill, folks.

The end-of-playing life issues for Kurt Warner present another mixed bag. His accuracy is strong, and he'll give you the occasional 400+ yard day that will make everyone sit back and remember The Greatest Show On Turf days in St. Louis. (He's also a great Draft Low and Sell High candidate: move him around Week 4, and you will have gotten the best moments of his season and the most satisfaction when he falls apart later.) But he'll also hold on to the ball too long and fumble when hit. Last year, the man supplemented his above average interception rate with eight fumbles, and he wasn't even the full-time quarterback.

Adding to the trouble is the running game. It's a chicken and egg of suck, in that Edge James doesn't seem to have a burst left, and the offensive line can't seem to create any hole that isn't from a surprise draw. Maybe Tim Hightower comes to save them from themselves, but this is a franchise where old running backs come to die (Emmit Smith, James) while young ones go on to have careers somewhere else ( Thomas Jones, Michael Pittman, Garrison Hearst).

On defense, the Cardinals are always athletic and usually out of position. The linebacker of record is Karlos Dansby, who can put a hurting on people in coverage. The secondary has a couple of reasonable pieces in Adrian Wilson and cornerback Rod Hood, in that they normally worse he second slot. But again, they don't get the stops they should, even when the other teams in the division are routinely terrible.

The schedule does not favors. They get the NFC West and AFC East -- 10 games where they should be just over .500, but the last six games get them the NFC East (not helpful at all, really) and Minnesota and at Carolina. It's not good, it's not bad, but at least three of the last four are at home, when the desert temperature should prove a huge difference.

But when you put it all together, what you have is another season on the treadmill for the Cardinal. If it were my team, I'd give Hightower every chance to take the job from James, have Leinart killed in broad daylight in front of the younger players to give them a powerful object lesson as to the dangers of pissing away your career, and hire armed thugs to go through the stadium and pound on people wearing enemy colors, so that in another 10 to 20 years, we might have something approaching an actual homefield advantage.

But if I were to do all of these things, I couldn't possibly be Bill Bidwell, part of the rich manure that has provided three cities of Cardinal Fan with plenty of motivation to go find another team to root for. Just like their spiritual brethren in other sports (the Clippers in the NBA, the Rangers in MLB), the presence of this noxious owner means that the fish is stinking from the head down. See you next year, Cardinal Fan!

Prediction: 8-8, 2nd in the NFC West


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Four security guards decided to unnecessarily beat up a man at a soccer game somewhere that I assume was not the United States. The fans in the stadium didn't appreciate the use of excessive force and swarmed the field. Fun and frivolity ensued.